I haven’t…at least if we’re talking about makeup (hair is a different story, but we’ll get to that in a second). The reason this is on my mind today is because I recently read an article in which the author’s ex-boyfriend’s affinity for natural-looking/nude makeup, and his dislike for certain nail polish colors, determined what she wore for years, and it was only after she broke up with him that she realized she could wear whatever she wanted.
I grind my teeth a little (OK, a lot) when I think about how I would have responded had I been in a similar situation as a young woman, because to a degree I’m a people pleaser, and I can see myself making those accommodations for someone I loved.
As for my hair…I dated a dude my senior year in college who was kind of an @sshole, but he was the type of guy parents loved because he totally sucked up to them and was really good on paper — smart, good grades, ambitious, on the track team, sights set on a political career — but deep down inside, he was not the nicest person.
Anyway, he had this weird controlling streak that was sneaky and subtle, and it would come out whenever he’d try to manipulate me into looking a certain way. Like, when I met him, my hair was super long (longer than it is now), and he kept making comments about how he liked short hair on girls. Then, he’d go into this story about how every time he’s ever mentioned it to other girls he dated, they’d always eventually cut their hair…for him.
BARF! Thank goodness I never cut my hair for that goof.
Another thing he did was subtly comment on how he disapproved of my clothes, and how my ripped jeans looked “sloppy” and my t-shirts were too casual and blah, blah, blah. (Weird, though, that he never picked on how I wore my makeup, right?.)
The relationship didn’t last long, and yay for me! — I never saw or heard from him again after graduation. I imagine he’s somewhere in the world with a woman who had long hair at one time but now wears it short and secretly regrets cutting it…
Have you ever dated someone who expected you to wear your makeup a certain way? Or your hair? Or your clothes?
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
Renee says
August 1st, 2018 at 1:52 pmWhen I was still in my 20s, it was fashionable to get your belly button pierced and I wanted to have it done. My boyfriend at the time told me that he *ahem* FORBADE me. I dumped him that day. We had been together for seven or eight months. That was all I needed to hear. Buh Bye!! And then I went and got my belly button pierced lol. I no longer wear it but it was super cute back then.
jaclyn Levy says
August 1st, 2018 at 2:12 pmUgh thank god no. I’m lucky I didn’t even know this was a thing! I think we read the same story about it though, was it on Man Repeller?
Anyway, my husband and I dated in HS and in the past he’d sometimes have commentary but over time he’s accepted I don’t put on makeup for him, I put it on for me. Now he’ll compliment me when he likes it because he knows the work that goes behind it! <3
Karen says
August 2nd, 2018 at 7:58 amHi Jaclyn,
I think it was on PopSugar. If I find it again I’ll send a link. 🙂
That’s cool that your hubs appreciates the artistry and effort that goes into a look. It really is like painting, but on a live canvas!
Lex says
August 1st, 2018 at 4:07 pmThis is a super interesting post – thank you! I think women need to speak up about stuff like that – whether it’s happening to them or someone else they know… Yeah, well, I did date someone who made comments like this – but unfortunately, it was far more complicated. It’s easy/-ier to say ‘Get lost’ if someone has no real depth or true qualities deep down, but what about when someone is such a contradiction that they have some of the best traits in anyone you’ve met before or since, but at the same time, some horrible controlling streaks? So yeah, that was pretty much my case. Even today I still truly admire him for some aspects of his personality, but also think about the relationship in terms of… Oh gawd, thank goodness that ended. One issue was with clothes, for instance… I couldn’t wear ‘sloppy’ clothes around the house cuz they didn’t look nice enough… And never shirts either, which he hated for whatever reason (?!?!)…….. So yeah, longer term, this and other things were, of course, too much to take.
Efrain says
August 1st, 2018 at 4:48 pmWell, I believe this is a safe space so bear with me:
Being a queer guy that wears makeup makes dating interesting; I think everybody has heard about “No fats, no femmes, no (insert race)” in dating apps, so the moment they hear I wear makeup some of them say “No thanks” and I’m like “Uff, I avoided an asshole”.
With my last boyfriend, he knew about it while dating and I even put lipstick on in front of him so I could see his reaction, he was impressed but cool. Also in this relationship I must admit I asked him that I wanted to see him with a mustache, because I thought that was hot (kinky stuff, let’s don’t talk more about it).
So in the end I wouldn’t change my style for my partner and I feel a little guilty for asking my last partner to get a mustache, even thought I didn’t care for his style.
Lili says
August 2nd, 2018 at 6:37 amMy ex-wife (I’m a female) was a personal trainer and told me she wouldn’t be able to love me if I was over 150lbs and she hated red lipstick because it was “whorish”. I spent years dieting and being miserable on low calories.
I re-married a wonderful man who loves me as I am, though he still hates lipstick lol but doesn’t care if I wear it or not. one thing he does insist upon is that I get regular pedicures lmao he doesn’t have a foot fetish, and to the contrary he hates feet and toes and says if he has to look at them, they might as well look nice.
Chelsea says
August 1st, 2018 at 4:54 pmI didn’t really date anyone before my husband, who I started dating when I was 17. He doesn’t particularly like bright makeup, especially lips, but I still wear them! I mean, if I’m going to be kissing him, I wouldn’t wear bright lips, but I do what I want. He doesn’t quite understand winged liner either, LOL.
He also, interestingly, loves short hair on women but I cut my hair into a lob once maybe 4 years back and immediately grew it back out. Long hair is me.
Similarly I don’t like his gauges out ears but I don’t control what he does ?♀️
LindaLibraLoca says
August 2nd, 2018 at 12:41 amI wonder why he even started dating if he apparently disliked so much? I mean, he seemed pretty obsessed with hair and clothes. My husband doesn’t like certain types of makeup, like red lipstick, but he nows that this has no influence on whether I wear them or not. I mean, if we go out for date night I will probably favor a nude lip and smokey eye, but I wear red lipstick several times a week.
Isabella says
August 2nd, 2018 at 4:19 amnever happened in my life
but that article which Karen linked earlier was worth a read
Twyla Munden says
August 2nd, 2018 at 5:41 amI’ve been lucky enough to not date those guys until now, but its not what it seems. I’ve never had a man ask me to dress, do my hair or makeup any particular way, they’ve accepted me as I am ‘made up to be’…………but the guy I’m with now, doesn’t try to change me, is starting to accept it, but he’d prefer if I didn’t wear any makeup at all!! (CAN YOU IMAGINE???)… part of me loves that he loves me au natural, while the other part wonders if he’s blind? lol He never asks me not to wear makeup but does tell me often ‘you don’t need it’………. Sadly, ‘for him’ I have no intention of giving up my addiction to makeup, face products, hair products or all the shiny things!
Aly says
August 2nd, 2018 at 7:40 amI’m a natural blonde, and it seems like any guy who gave me the time of day felt it necessary to tell me I would look better as a brunette. Come on! Of all the insecurities, objectifications, and insidious shaming I’ve had to deal with as a woman, my own hair color wasn’t enough.
Today, I consider myself fortunate that my life partner gives zero f#@&’s about what I do with my hair, and he compliments me on my bright lipstick,.
Sanya Anwar says
August 2nd, 2018 at 9:26 amThe funny thing is, many of us think “I would never let some guy dictate how I ______” but a lot of us have partners who always say they like a girl “natural” or with “just a little” make up… basically enough that a girl looks ‘fresh’ for them but not “overdone”. The thing is, we shouldn’t reward that kind of attitude: if you want to bust out in a bold red lip or wear a heavy foundation, that’s up to you and about what makes YOU happy. The way we look isn’t always about making ourselves aesthetically pleasing for the taste of others, you know? Anyway, just my two cents.
Kim says
August 2nd, 2018 at 10:01 amI think I saw the top line of that article from your Saturday Surfing. Many people’s first reaction is a horrified “if someone ever… I’d…” but the reality is that we all manipulate and are manipulated to a certain extent. And none of us truly knows what we’d do unless it happens to us. The Hubs liked to tell me I looked like the Little Dutch Boy when my hair was short but we’d laugh and I’d tell him to zip it. Of course, I knew it was true and there was never an implied “and you need to grow it our or I won’t love you”. That would be unacceptable to me. We’re probably all guilty of “what on earth are you wearing?” or “are you planning to shave this month?”. To me, it’s a problem if it goes from joking observation to controlling/threatening behavior. I tell him routinely how much I hate a certain style of shirt he insists on wearing. He hasn’t stopped wearing it yet – and I haven’t considered leaving him for it. I just roll my eyes and he says “how do you like my shirt?” with a big, old grin. I feel honesty is important in a relationship, so I tell him. Again. 😉
kellly says
August 2nd, 2018 at 12:08 pmI don’t recall anything specific about my makeup but one guy told me that the vintage style looks I was into at the time “looked frumpy”. I, of course, thought he was just talking to hear himself talk and ignored him totally. He, who always dressed in jeans and a ratty t-shirt, was no expert at all on how anyone should dress or look. >:)
kellly says
August 2nd, 2018 at 12:11 pmOh, and P.S. I am always cold in restaurants, movie theatres or anywhere that they have air conditioning. We were going out to dinner once and I took along a sweater. He said something along the lines of “You’re not going to wear that, are you?” I don’t remember that I even replied but I was probably thinking, “No. I’m bringing it along so I have something do to with my hands carrying it so that it will keep me from trying to strangle you”. Can you imagine!?!?!?
Kristen says
August 3rd, 2018 at 6:18 amI read that article you’re referencing and it made me so sad! Fortunately no one has ever tried to dictate how I do my makeup or how I dress, do my hair, etc. Makeup is a form of expression and creativity for so many people and it makes me upset to think that anyone would try to control or criticize that.
Tatiana says
August 3rd, 2018 at 12:24 pmI would never be in a relationship with someone who expected me to look the way they wanted me to look. Sure I make sure to maintain good grooming, I try to eat healthy and exercise and where clean clothes, but the rest of it is “my body, I wear my makeup and hair the way I like”. I once dated a guy and he told me his best friend had his wife sign a pre-nup that cutting her hair would be grounds for divorce. Lol. I had short hair at the time and I looked at him and said, “Nobody tells me what I can do with MY hair. It’s my hair, my body and I control it.” He never called me after that and I didn’t think of it as a loss.
Katherine G says
August 4th, 2018 at 11:26 amVery thought provoking post, actually. Looking back, I can’t think of anyone that had been that way with me. However, my ex husband slowly chipped away at my confidence, and towards the end of the marriage, I didn’t care as much about my appearance. When we got separated, it was almost 2 months before I did anything with hair and makeup beyond brushing my hair and doing zit cover-up.
Most guys I’ve ever dated have been long hair guys, but when I donated a foot of it last year (right before my divorce hearing haha), I still had guys interested in dating. However, most have told me not to cut it that short anymore! I’m glad you never took his “bait” to cut your hair while dating that dude. He sounds like a piece of work.