It’s harder in some ways than I thought it would be, but it’s easier in others, and before I had Connor, to be honest, for many years, I put off having children because I was deathly afraid that I would be a terrible mother.
Not like I’m the “no wire hangers” lady, but I thought, “Oh, I’m gonna traumatize this child in so many ways. This child is gonna be a complete nut.”
And then I would think, Ted Bundy has a mother… What if I give birth to Ted Bundy?
Ya know, all the crazy stuff that runs through your head, or runs through my head…
But then people would tell me, “You’ll do great. You’ll be fine. You’re gonna be a great mom.”
I could give you a list a mile long of the things that I feel I do wrong in life. So many things. But even though it’s only been seven months, I think I’ve been a pretty darned good mom.
It’s just so different putting anyone else’s needs so completely before your own. I always thought I was too selfish for it, but now I just want to give her everything. Whatever I have. I don’t even know where I’m going with this…
I think what I’m trying to say is that life changes dramatically because you are much busier than you thought you could ever be, just in terms of child care, but at the same time, the littlest things feel new and rich, like the power of a binky, or crawling, which she is this close to doing. It’s a perspective shift, and it’s exciting, seeing the world through a different lens.
I’m glad she gave me the chance to feel this.
If the cards had fallen differently, I think I would have still lived a rich and interesting life. I was happy before, and I’m happy now. More tired now too.
I think I would have still been happy if things had played out differently, but I’m grateful for this chance, ’cause she’s cool. I love her. I think I’ll keep her around a while.
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,