KAREN: What up?
RYGOS: ‘What up?’ Are you serious? Why can’t you say hello like a normal person?
KAREN: Why can’t you stop being the subject of countless Internet memes?
RYGOS: Can you talk for a second?
KAREN: Well, now that you ask, I’m in the middle of a review for the new NARS Night Series Eyeliners —
RYGOS: Cool. Hey, so —
KAREN: You just interrupted me.
RYGOS: Did I?
KAREN: It’s OK…
RYGOS: So do you like them?
RYGOS: The liners.
KAREN: I do. They’re these new glittery ones based on the NARS Night Series eyeshadows. They’re smooth and pigmented and last a long time, even on bare lids without primer. Only thing is, I can’t use them on my water lines.
RYGOS: Why’s that?
KAREN: The glitter. My eyes are really sensitive, and any time I get glitter up on my water lines, they freak out. And as a general rule, you usually don’t want glitter anywhere it could scratch your eyes.
Wait a second — I know you didn’t call to talk about eyeliner and glitter, so what’s up?
RYGOS: I have some news…
KAREN: Oh, yeah? Is this legit news or the start of some BS joke on my behalf?
RYGOS: I don’t do that.
KAREN: Oh, yes you do! Remember that one about the new line of luxury cat accessories you were working on with Chanel, and you were sending me and Tabs diamond-studded necklaces and collars to wear?
KAREN: Yeah, I harassed the FedEx guy for weeks. Weeks!
RYGOS: Hahaha! Sucker.
KAREN: I learned my lesson.
RYGOS: But I really do have news.
KAREN: OK, what’s this news? The suspense is killing me.
RYGOS: Well…it’s about me and Eva. We’re having a baby.
KAREN: Oh, very funny! You almost got me!
RYGOS: I’m serious.
RYGOS: I’m totally serious. Eva is bearing the fruit of my loins.
KAREN: I’m really busy today, Ryan. I don’t have time for this so I’m hanging up now…
RYGOS: No, don’t hang up! Really, this is real. I’m not kidding.
RYGOS: Really. We’re having a kid.
RYGOS: Are you crying?? It sounds like you’re crying.
KAREN: Maybe… A little. I’m just so…happy? And shocked, you know, for you two.
KAREN: Eva’s gonna be your baby mama…
RYGOS: I guess so.
RYGOS: Thanks. Are you sure you’re OK? You sound a little weird.
KAREN: Me? No! No, it’s just girl stuff. PMS.
RYGOS: That’s enough now.
KAREN: Oh! I didn’t see the time. Look at that. I really, really have to go now, Ryan. I’m sorry. Congratulations though! This is great, great news! Really great! But uh, yeah, this NARS Night Series Eyeliner I’m wearing isn’t waterproof, and I’ve got these glittery tears of joy. So, so much joy, but I’ll call you later, OK?
**HANGS UP PHONE THEN GOES INTO THE BATHROOM TO SOB**
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,