**RING! RING!**
KAREN: What up?
RYGOS: ‘What up?’ Are you serious? Why can’t you say hello like a normal person?
KAREN: Why can’t you stop being the subject of countless Internet memes?
RYGOS: Touché…
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
RYGOS: Can you talk for a second?
KAREN: Well, now that you ask, I’m in the middle of a review for the new NARS Night Series Eyeliners —
RYGOS: Cool. Hey, so —
KAREN: You just interrupted me.
RYGOS: Did I?
KAREN: Yeah.
RYGOS: Sorry.
KAREN: It’s OK…
RYGOS: So do you like them?
KAREN: What?
RYGOS: The liners.
KAREN: I do. They’re these new glittery ones based on the NARS Night Series eyeshadows. They’re smooth and pigmented and last a long time, even on bare lids without primer. Only thing is, I can’t use them on my water lines.
RYGOS: Why’s that?
KAREN: The glitter. My eyes are really sensitive, and any time I get glitter up on my water lines, they freak out. And as a general rule, you usually don’t want glitter anywhere it could scratch your eyes.
Wait a second — I know you didn’t call to talk about eyeliner and glitter, so what’s up?
RYGOS: I have some news…
KAREN: Oh, yeah? Is this legit news or the start of some BS joke on my behalf?
RYGOS: I don’t do that.
KAREN: Oh, yes you do! Remember that one about the new line of luxury cat accessories you were working on with Chanel, and you were sending me and Tabs diamond-studded necklaces and collars to wear?
RYGOS: Oh…
KAREN: Yeah, I harassed the FedEx guy for weeks. Weeks!
RYGOS: Hahaha! Sucker.
KAREN: I learned my lesson.
RYGOS: But I really do have news.
KAREN: OK, what’s this news? The suspense is killing me.
RYGOS: Well…it’s about me and Eva. We’re having a baby.
KAREN: (…)
RYGOS: Hello?
KAREN: Oh, very funny! You almost got me!
RYGOS: I’m serious.
KAREN: Hahaha!
RYGOS: I’m totally serious. Eva is bearing the fruit of my loins.
KAREN: I’m really busy today, Ryan. I don’t have time for this so I’m hanging up now…
RYGOS: No, don’t hang up! Really, this is real. I’m not kidding.
KAREN: (…)
RYGOS: Really. We’re having a kid.
KAREN: (…)
RYGOS: Hello?
KAREN: (…)
RYGOS: Are you crying?? It sounds like you’re crying.
KAREN: Maybe… A little. I’m just so…happy? And shocked, you know, for you two.
RYGOS: Aw.
KAREN: Eva’s gonna be your baby mama…
RYGOS: I guess so.
KAREN: Congrats?
RYGOS: Thanks. Are you sure you’re OK? You sound a little weird.
KAREN: Me? No! No, it’s just girl stuff. PMS.
RYGOS: OK.
KAREN: Hormones.
RYGOS: That’s enough now.
KAREN: Oh! I didn’t see the time. Look at that. I really, really have to go now, Ryan. I’m sorry. Congratulations though! This is great, great news! Really great! But uh, yeah, this NARS Night Series Eyeliner I’m wearing isn’t waterproof, and I’ve got these glittery tears of joy. So, so much joy, but I’ll call you later, OK?
**HANGS UP PHONE THEN GOES INTO THE BATHROOM TO SOB**
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
Brooke says
July 10th, 2014 at 2:28 pmOoooh Karen I thought of you when i heard the news…that Eva, what a bitch. 🙂
Karen says
July 10th, 2014 at 2:40 pmLOL! How dare she?! I still don’t believe that baby is his…show me the DNA test!
Brooke says
July 10th, 2014 at 7:11 pmI agree!!!!!!
Rachel says
July 10th, 2014 at 2:47 pmI’m also upset about the baby news. Ryan Gosling is #1 on my top 5 list of Hollywood hunks. But maybe it’s for the best, I could never be with a Canadian!
Karen says
July 10th, 2014 at 2:49 pmI think a lot of RyGos fans want to egg Eva’s house now. Um, not that I thought of doing that.
Heidi says
July 10th, 2014 at 3:00 pmI knew this news was gonna be a bitter pill for you to swallow!
Oh, and I think I need Night Bird and Night Flight in my life!
Alison M says
July 10th, 2014 at 3:04 pmHow rude of him to keep calling despite Eva being pregnant! She’s 7 months along…it’s not like he *just* found out or something. I’ve never seen such pretty broken hearts. And if you need a retail therapy shopping buddy tweet me, girl.
Alison M recently posted … Gorgeous Summer Glow and the Return of Naked 3
Agata says
July 10th, 2014 at 3:19 pmOh Karen, I love your Ryan phone calls. How could he have done it to you?? No respect!!!
The eyeliners look pretty, The Night Flight especially.
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May says
July 10th, 2014 at 6:42 pmOh Karen, I did not even know they were dating. I was hoping he would go for a Canadian woman (ahem ahem…). *sigh* I am crying with you girl!!
fancie says
July 10th, 2014 at 7:08 pmWhy must these liners attract me so? Le sigh.
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angie says
July 10th, 2014 at 7:33 pmi think about you also when i read the news 😀
oh rygos, how can you do that? hEhe
night porter is so gorgeous but i don’t like liner with glitter
Erica says
July 10th, 2014 at 7:54 pmKaren I thought about you when I heard the news. Rygos should have told you months ago that he and Eva were expecting. Hold your head up. Just make sure you look cuter than Eva when you are invited to the baby shower and the christening. The night flight liner would look good at the baby shower.
Ritu TheIndianBeautyBlog says
July 10th, 2014 at 8:41 pmwhen I heard the news, all I could think of was you and your reaction Karen.. And there we go!
such a massive heartbreak! 🙁
Could do with Night Porter and Night Flight for the time being 😉
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Kelsey says
July 10th, 2014 at 9:40 pmBest thing I have read all day! I love your writing 🙂
Bella says
July 11th, 2014 at 5:03 amI love you!!! Muahahahaha!!! “Eva is bearing the fruit of my loins”….LOLOL!
Katherine M says
July 11th, 2014 at 2:08 pmI love your writing style and your stories! Yeah, it stinks when fave celebs that we may have crushed on get married and have kids…without us in the picture! 🙂 On the makeup note, really loving those eyeliners. Reminds me of a darker, sexier version of Laura Mercier liners. Neutrals with a twist that enhance the eyes.
Sylirael says
July 12th, 2014 at 6:26 am*pats Karen on shoulder, offers tissue*
The sparkle in these is really pretty at least! Even if it isn’t waterline friendly, it could totally chill on my upper lid. I’d be coo with that…
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