[OK, GUYS, WE’RE LIVE ON THE AIR IN THREE, TWO, ONE…]
Hi, everyone, and welcome to Cooking With K-Dawg and T-Money, the number one cooking show on TTCTV (Tabs the Cat TV), where we teach you absolutely nothing about food.
That’s right! — not a damned thing.
Hungry for homemade pasta? Salivating over sushi? Craving killer creppes? GURL, you won’t hear about any of that stuff here.
That’s because we dish about makeup, and today we’re cooking up delicious looks for lips with some new products from Guerlain.
Shoo’, I couldn’t cook my way out of a paper bag, and my cat co-host Tabs lacks opposable thumbs, so he’s no cordon bleu chef, either.
Oh! — I’ve just been corrected by my producer. Apparently, I should have referred to my kitty co-host as, “Internationally renowned plus-size kitty supermodel, hip-hop mogul and founding member of Kitty Mensa Tabs the Cat.”
Let’s get started. Step one: prepping our ingredients.
It’s important to use the freshest ingredients, so today we’ll be working with a new crop of Rouge G Lipsticks ($51 each).
Aren’t they to-die-for!? In obscure metaphorical terms, if a lipstick were like eating an entire cheesecake all by yourself in one sitting, that lipstick would be a Rouge G. With a wide range of colors and coverages from sheer to full, plus a creamy, mega moisturizing formula, they’re pure indulgence (but calorie-free, WOOT!).
Next month Guerlain adds five new shades to their already extensive permanent line…
- 15 Galiane, a nude beige
- 16 Gaetane, a deep brown
- 77 Geraldine, a luminous pink
- 78 Gladys, a vibrant fuchsia
- 48 Geneva, an orange
And two new limited-edition lippies in special lacquered packaging…
- 864 Rose Grenat, a velvety reddish pink
- 866 Rose Glace, a nude pink
On with the cooking! And don’t you worry about a thing, babe. Even if you can’t make toast or boil water, you can handle this.
All we’re gonna do is pick a handful of our favorite shades from the new batch. I’m going with pink 77 Geraldine, orange 48 Geneva, reddish pink 864 Rose Grenat and nude pink 866 Rose Glace.
Now, place them in front of you on your countertop. Notice how they rest on their sides? They were designed that way by French jeweler Lorenz Baumer, who’s also worked with Cartier, Gucci and Hermes. Lorenz got the idea for the shape from gold bars. Then he rounded the edges to make them more feminine.
Considering that these are $51 each and quite heavy, it was almost foretelling that the packaging was inspired by gold bars.
But I like that they have some heft to ‘em. I think it makes them feel extra fancy and hello! — useful during the eventual zombie apocalypse. When your significant other makes a fuss about you bringing them on the road, you can tell him or her to “Step back, yo! I’m going to use them as a weapon,” and then place them inside a pillowcase and swing them around like a mace!
Oops, my producer is telling me to change the subject, so…where were we?
Oh, yes! Guerlain…
Now, let’s open one of them and admire ourselves in the mirror hidden inside the cap.
Apply one layer to your lips.
Just one! That’s all you’ll need, as the Rouge G’s are smoother than smooth, and you shouldn’t have any issues with patchiness or uneven color.
You could leave it on for a while if you’d like. It should last from 2-5 hours and fade slowly, depending on the intensity of the color.
And that just about does it for this week’s episode of Cooking With K-Dawg and T-Money! Don’t forget to set your Tivo for next week’s show. See you then.
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,