1994 KAREN: Hello?
2014 KAREN: Hi, is this Karen?
1994 KAREN: Yes, it is.
2014 KAREN: This is going to sound totally weird, but, um…this is your future self, Karen. From 2014.
1994 KAREN: Shut the front door! What? Who is this? Jen, is that you?
2014 KAREN: No, really. It’s me, Karen. I mean, I’m also Karen. I’m calling you from 20 years in the future.
1994 KAREN: You sound… Dude, how’s that even possible? Who is this!? Someone’s pulling my leg. Are you that guy from the bus stop the other day? The Terminator one?
2014 KAREN: Nope, not that guy. Although I do remember him. Tall, in the green plaid shirt —
1994 KAREN: No way! How do you know that?
2014 KAREN: He was a physics major. Really cute and funny. I think he wanted to ask us out, now that I think about it.
Anyway, I only have a few minutes here, so that’s enough about boys. I have something very important to discuss with you.
1994 KAREN: Man, this is blowing my mind! If you’re really from 20 years in the future… I need more proof. Tell me something else only you — I mean we? — would know.
2014 KAREN: OK. Well, right now you’re probably wearing Clinique Black Honey Almost Lipstick.
1994 KAREN: NO WAY!!!
2014 KAREN: You’re struggling in chem and, truth be told, college has been a lot lonelier than you thought it would be. You also really miss Mom, Dad and Al, but you’d never admit that to them.
1994 KAREN: OK, I am officially freaked out right now. This is incredibly freaky…
Well, then I guess I should ask why you’re calling. Is it something bad? It’s something bad, isn’t it?
2014 KAREN: No, no, not at all. I just really wanted to say hi and — I know this sounds weird — remind you that you’re stronger than you think.
1994 was a hard year, but you’re gonna be OK. It might not seem like it now, but everything’s going to work out.
1994 KAREN: Really??
2014 KAREN: Yes, really.
I wish I could say more…but the contract I signed forbids me from disclosing anything specific that could alter the course of our life.
1994 KAREN: Gotta be vague… I get it. I totally get it. I’ve seen the Terminator —
2014 KAREN: — 500 times, haha!
1994 KAREN: Still, thank you — what should I call you? Future Karen? I feel better just knowing you’re there.
2014 KAREN: I’m almost out of time… Just remember to listen to your gut, Karen. It won’t steer you wrong.
1994 KAREN: I will, but don’t go! Wait. I know you can’t say details, but what’s the future’s like? Are there flying cars?
2014 KAREN: Dude. Please.
1994 KAREN: I take that as a no. Shoot. OK, is Johnny Depp still hot??
2014 KAREN: Smokin’.
1994 KAREN: Good to know. Are all the girls still wearing Clinique Black Honey Lipstick?
2014 KAREN: Oh! Funny you should ask. Get this: it’s still around, but Clinique is taking the color and releasing it as a bunch of different products — a nail polish, a gel liner, a gloss and an eyeshadow, which I’m actually wearing today!
1994 KAREN: What?! Clinique Black Honey in eyeshadow form? You’re blowing my mind right now.
2014 KAREN: I know! It’s crazy, right? Yeah, it’s actually really cool. You’d like it. It’s a shimmery, coppery purplish brown. Doesn’t look like much in the pan, but once you sweep it in the crease, it takes on a life of its own. More of the coppery purple comes through, and it’s absolutely gorgeous.
1994 KAREN: Um, sold!
2014 KAREN: Haha! Why am I not surprised?
1994 KAREN: I’ll keep an eye out for it when it comes out in 20 years.
2014 KAREN: Good. Listen, K, they’re telling me I have to go now, but I want to tell you one more thing.
1994 KAREN: Shoot.
2014 KAREN: Just…don’t be so hard on yourself, OK? Through all the ups and downs and when you’re feeling sad and lonely, be nice to yourself, and remember that I love you. I absolutely, positively love you.
1994 KAREN: Awww! Thanks, future K. Love you, too. I can’t wait to meet you. This is weird… Take care of yourself. Us.
2014 KAREN: See you soon.
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,