I was recently tapped by a local blogger to offer my expertise on topics outside the fields of fashion and beauty.
Since my fans have been clamoring for lifestyle advice, and I’ve been trying to build my digital empire, I’ve decided to embark upon a series of how-to guides for cats.
Now, these are not just your average “For Dummies” guides. I’ll be delving into the details and covering crucial cat knowledge acquired over a lifetime of kitty modeling, and today we’ll be starting with one of the most important challenges facing cats: defending against the enemy.
I’d be remiss right now if I did not start this guide with my favorite component of territorial defense: the accessories.
Get the gear
What’s that saying: “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop”? In order to keep my assistants (plural) busy, I commissioned my male assistant/masseuse/personal trainer to fashion a custom couture harness for me, so that I could patrol the neighborhood in comfort and style.
This particular harness was constructed with my husky frame in mind using nylon webbing, hook & loop Velcro-style tape strips and a craft glue gun, but I’ve also seen some exceptional pre-made gear at Petco, etc.
Look for long sight lines
One of the most important aspects of defending your space is the ability to see the enemy coming from afar. While patrolling, I always choose places with long sight lines that allow me to see other cats and intruders far away. This gives me time to formulate a strategic plan in the event of an encounter.
Establish a perimeter
Once you’ve identified areas in your territory with long sight lines, establish a perimeter.
By nature, cats are territorial, and yet some of us do not respect boundaries. It’s important to delineate the borders between your territory and those of your enemies. Establish a perimeter.
Enlist a second in command (if necessary)
“No cat is an island.” Personally, I think that saying is bullsh*t, but there are times when you will need backup. If necessary, enlist a second in command. Ideally, this should be someone you can trust unconditionally who will also feed you when you’re hungry.
Gain the higher ground
Similar to identifying the areas in your territory with long sight lines, the higher up you are, the more territory you’ll be able to survey.
In addition to conducting outdoor patrols, I also recommend positioning lookouts in outward-facing interior windows. Remember, the enemy never sleeps.
I highly recommend climbing trees if you have access to them. Not only is this a great cardiovascular workout, but it also gives you the opportunity to file your nails and survey your territory from above.
Know your enemy (IMPORTANT)
When I moved to Novato, I enlisted human agents to help me profile the known feline enemies in the neighborhood. I suggest you do the same…
Build a secure command center
To take reconnaissance to the next level, commission the building of a command center with all the latest surveillance technology. This way, you’ll be able to safely gather intel while outdoors.
The construction of my new command center is almost complete, and we expect to deploy it this week.
Take naps to stay alert
There comes a point when fatigue results in diminishing returns. Don’t lose your edge. Schedule periodic naps throughout the day to recharge your body and your mind, and perform at a peak level.
Follow these tips, and soon you, too, will be defending your space like a boss.
Stay safe, stay strong and, above all, stay beautiful,