Today Tabs learned that some lizards can breathe underwater…

We call them salamanders, but Tabs had never heard that word before. He saw one and a bunch of other cool stuff on his solo hike today through the Indian Valley Open Space Preserve.

Right after I got up this morning, I stumbled downstairs looking for coffee, and there was Tabs getting geared up by the front door. He was wearing his feline fanny pack, which he’d already filled with Feline Greenies, a water bottle, his iPhone pre-loaded with trail maps, a can of Fancy Feast Gravy Lovers (turkey in gravy, of course) and his little Leatherman multitool (which has a can opener).

“Going for a walk?” I asked.

“Mrow,” he replied. A backcountry hike.

He was gone for five hours! — during which time I caught up on some admin stuff for the blog, did four loads of laundry, and did a ton of high-intensity lounging around.

Tabs looked exhausted when he finally walked through the door. His paws were covered in red dirt and he had thorny stickers in his fur.

He groaned when he took off his pack, and then went on to tell me a tale that started with his meeting a nice horse, followed by a steep climb to the top of a tall hill, a hike to a waterfall where he spotted the salamander, a high-speed chase involving a huge dog, and how he carved his name into a tree with his pocketknife.

Yup, while I did a whole lotta nothin’ today, my cat had quite an adventure.

Did you have a good weekend? Any adventures to report? Whatever you got into, please tell me you did something fun.

Oh, here are the latest pics (and a YouTube commercial) from Tabs’ ever-growing kitty modeling portfolio. If you’ve been following A Relaxing Time, the next installment (the ninth/grand finale, I believe) is coming soon…

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Dear Tabby is written by Tabs the Cat, commonly regarded as “the world’s first plus-size kitty supermodel.” Founded in mid 2012, it has quickly become the most widely syndicated cat advice column on earth — known for its fresh, feline perspective on lifestyle, fashion and style issues affecting cats and humans.

The naked truth

DEAR TABBY: HALP! My roommate Harold has a BIG problem with clothes — well, collars, specifically.

See, he just won’t wear them.

Ever since I first moved into my assistant’s house, Harold, who’s a year older than I am, has walked around the house wearing absolutely nothing at all — no collar — like, “Hello! I’m naked! Call me Harold!”

I can’t deny that it bothers me a little, because in my litter, when we were kittens, we always wore our collars, even if we were just lounging around. That’s just the way I was raised.

I try to overlook it — the nudity. I mean, Harold is a nice enough cat, but I don’t know — it still makes me feel uncomfortable.

And lately, it’s even gotten worse. Harold’s taken to sunning himself on the kitchen counters and the windowsills for all the neighborhood cats to see.

Tabby, there are kittens and children in our neighborhood! Should I say something to Harold? Or do you think I’m overreacting?

– Annoyed in Anchorage

Formal collar attire

DEAR ANNOYED: Some cats are just more comfortable in the nude, and what you see as bad decorum could be perfectly acceptable behavior in some cat circles.

Way I see it, as long as Harold isn’t hurting anyone, I think you have to look the other way.

Problems with punctuality

DEAR TABBY: I’ve been seeing a massage therapist — my assistant’s husband, Tommy — going on about four years. I like him. I should say that right off the bat. Tommy has fantastic fingers, and he’s really helped relieve my chronic neck, back and tail tension.

Problem is, over the past few months or so, Tommy has been increasingly tardy, too. He’s late to almost all of his appointments.

I understand emergencies. Sure, things come up, but not every day. It’s disrespectful.

Last time I meowed, and ask Tommy why he was late. He just yawned. He straight-up yawned.

What do I do, Tabby? Do I need to find a new massage therapist?

– Tense in Tuscaloosa

Relaxing, post-massage

DEAR TENSE: I’m with you. If your massage therapist is showing up late often, it is disrespectful. Tell this Tommy how his being late to your appointments interferes with your busy schedule.

Maybe there’s a good explanation. Perhaps he’s overbooking himself, or not getting enough sleep, or his fingers have been sore. Whatever the case, he owes you an explantation.

It takes courage to be assertive in situations like these. Good luck. Be strong.

Two cats, two ceremonies, one day

DEAR TABBY: Guess what!? My sister and I will be graduating from two different kitty modeling school programs on the same day!

Unfortunately, our schools are across town from each other, so our mutual pet assistants and family members won’t be able to attend both ceremonies at the same time.

What should we do?

– Puzzled in Pittsburgh

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The werewolves took off at a full sprint in that direction, barking, growling and leaping over downed branches. Wracked with worry for the gray cat but feeling powerless to help him, Tabs watched the wolves go until they were too far into the forest to see them.

“Mrrrrrrowww!” the gray cat had said. Help me! Please help!

Tabs had to do something.

He stood up for the first time in what seemed like hours but was really only a few minutes. Compressed as he’d been while the werewolves were searching, he was retaining some of his body heat, but the full force of the chilly wind dug deep into the downy fur of his soft underbelly now that he was standing.

The plank Tabs had used to climb up to the windowsill, and from there up to the roof, was almost directly below him on the ground, which was covered by pine needles. Lot of good that’ll do me now, Tabs thought.

The roof was long and wide and, except for a chimney and a few air conditioning units, completely empty. Tabs wondered if there might be another way down, maybe a fence he could hop down to or a stack of boxes or something somewhere on the other side.

He scampered along the edge of the roof, looking for anything he could use to climb down.

Deep in the forest, something roared. It was deep and strong and powerful. It sounded huge!

What the heck was that!?

Then, the werewolves were howling. Tabs looked but couldn’t see anything. The wolves were howling and barking and yipping. And there was something else, too. Yelping. Something was yelping in what sounded like pain.

The gray cat?

The fierce battle raged like thunder for three seconds, and then it stopped.

After that, nothing.

A minute passed. The next sound Tabs heard was his own exhaling. He’d been holding his breath.

He shook violently now, from both terror and temperature, and breathed in fits and starts.

Tabs thought he heard something at that moment, a brief groan from somewhere off in the forest, but he listened hard for it and didn’t hear it again.

He did hear something else, though, a distant whump-whump-whumping that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time, and it was getting progressively louder.

“Mrow!” Tabs exclaimed. Helicopter!

To follow our story from the beginning…

• A RELAXING TIME: PART 1
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 2
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 3
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 4
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 5
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 6
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 7

(more…)

The first of the werewolves came into view, a long-legged black one the color of the crows Tabs policed from his favorite window at home in Novato.

Slowly, Tabs crouched down low at the edge of the roof until his chin was resting on the rain gutter.

The werewolf was stalking, sniffing, its head close to the ground like a metal detector. It was in the driveway now exactly where Tabs and the gray cat had gone through. Tabs expected the wolf to pick up their scent.

It was a bright night with the full moon, and it occurred to Tabs that he was probably easy to spot where he was with the moonlight behind him, but he stayed frozen like an Egyptian statue, not daring to move a muscle.

The only thing he did do was slowly close his eyes until they were just barely open and breath steadily. Cats were good at things like this. Hiding in plain sight. But Tabs imagined that werewolves were also good at hunting.

The second one entered the driveway. This one Tabs recognized from the wooden shed back on the frozen lake, and it was huge! Bigger than the black one by half, with mottled brown and gray fur and thick, broad shoulders.

The black werewolf seemed to bow reverently and made a whining noise as the larger one approached.

Tabs couldn’t believe just how big the bigger werewolf was. Keeping perfectly still with his eyes open barely a fraction of an inch, Tabs compared the creature to the nearby pickup truck, and wagered they were almost the same size.

Or maybe that was just the terror talking…

Tabs remained motionless while the two werewolves inspected the area, following their snouts. As they exhaled, their hot breath was visible in the frigid air.

They circled the pickup truck in opposite directions, checking carefully behind the tires.

Whew! Tabs thought. Good thing I didn’t hide there.

The werewolves must have picked up the scent because they remained quiet and moved stealthily, and they were focussing a lot of attention in this area.

Minutes passed. It was so cold up there on the roof that Tabs started shivering. He desperately wanted to hop up and start moving to warm his bones, but there was no way he was about to do that.

He would just have to deal with the cold. It wouldn’t be the first time…

He thought back to all of those long, cold nights he spent fending for himself and battling for scraps on the mean streets of Mill Valley in his kitten hood. Those were some cold nights, too.

Feezing, and feeling somewhat secure that the wolves would not find him, and even if they did, would not be able to reach him on the roof, Tabs allowed his mind to wander.

He thought about his makeup collection, his coveted online kitty modeling portfolio, gravy, his favorite hill at home and his assistant…

She was actually pretty nice, he concluded, even when she got on his last nerve.

Somewhere off in the woods, a branch cracked. It wasn’t a natural sound. Tabs heard it, and the werewolves heard it, too. Both of them appeared in the driveway from wherever they’d been searching and looked in that direction, standing tall on all fours, with their heads erect and their ears perked.

“Mrrrrrrowww!” came a distant voice. Help me! Please help!

Tabs felt his heart drop. It was the gray cat.

To follow our story from the beginning…

• A RELAXING TIME: PART 1
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 2
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 3
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 4
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 5
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 6

(more…)

They were at the mouth of the forest where a dirt road led deeper into the dark woods. The gray cat was fast and picked up the pace, pulling ahead of Tabs.

Tabs felt a twinge of panic as he tried to catch up alongside the gray cat but found that he couldn’t. Tabs was a few feet behind and running flat out like a startled rabbit.

Tall pines lined both sides of the road, blocking much of the moonlight from reaching the forest floor. It was dark and getting darker as they left the rocky beach further behind. Good thing Tabs had the night vision of a master mouser.

Barking. Coming from far behind them. Tabs wasn’t sure at first, but then he was. Like Rottweiler barking, low and full-throated, mixed with growls.

The wolves were talking, but Tabs couldn’t make out the words. Probably trading recipes for ways to prepare cat…whether roasted or grilled.

It pushed Tabs to run a little harder, which brought him up alongside the gray cat, who glanced over, then gestured up ahead with his snout.

“Meow!” We’re here!

The road turned to a circular dirt driveway. Up ahead, at the end of the loop, was a large wooden one-story building, about the size of a Sephora. A green truck was parked in front of what Tabs figured must be the main entrance.

“Mraw,” the gray cat said. It’s an old ranger’s station. They slowed to a trot, both of them panting, down low in stealth formation, and the gray cat guided them around the truck toward the left side of the building.

A boxy ground-level air conditioning unit, about three feet tall, sat flush against the wall. “Mrow?” the gray cat asked. See that plank up there?

Tabs did. It was a narrow wooden plank that rested at an angle from the top of the air conditioner up to a windowsill. The gray cat motioned toward it with his nose, directing Tabs to head that way. “Meow-ow.” You can get to the roof.

“Mrow?” Tabs asked, a little perplexed. Aren’t you coming?

“Mroh,” the gray cat answered, standing his ground. I’ll be right behind you.

Tabs thought about it for a second, wondering why the gray cat didn’t just lead the way.

“Meow!” the gray cat finally ordered, raising his gravely voice. Go on, get!

It jolted Tabs into action. There were some things his little kitty brain struggled with, like doors and can openers, but climbing was not one of them. In about half a second, or two beats of a terrified tabby’s heart, he processed the entire scene with mathematical precision, calculating the proper angle of approach to the plank, the appropriate speed-to-weight ratio and the amount of force he’d have to exert to leap from the windowsill up to the rain gutter, which led up to the roof.

In one fluid maneuver, he hopped up on the air conditioner, zipped up the plank to the windowsill, jumped to a crook where the rain gutter met the wall, and then carefully walked up along the gutter before pulling himself onto the roof.

Yes! He’d made it. It was a wooden roof, easy to walk on, with a shallow slant, and it was much brighter up here under the open sky than it was down in the forest.

Tabs peered over the edge at the gray cat, who looked relieved. Tabs was shocked that the gray cat was still standing on the ground. What was he waiting for? “Meow!” Tabs called down. Hurry!

The wolves would be upon them any moment now, and Tabs thought he even heard their footfalls on the dirt road.

The gray cat nodded once, leapt up on the air conditioner, and pushed the wooden plank off the unit with his paw. It tumbled and crashed to the ground.

“Mrrow!?” Tabs said. What are you doing!? Tabs couldn’t believe his eyes.

The gray cat looked up at Tabs with kindness in his eyes “Mrow,” he spoke softly. I recognized you back there on the lake. “Meow.” Tabs, you’re one of my heroes.

Tabs was speechless. Heroes? What did the gray cat mean?

The gray hopped down to the ground, and then looked back up to Tabs. “Meow-row,” he said, his eyes glistening in the moonlight. You’ll be safe here till morning. I’ll lead them away.

“Mroww,” Tabs mewled, as the gray cat turned back toward the woods. Wait.

But the gray took off like a falcon in the night, disappearing into a copse of thick trees. “Mew…” Tabs whimpered after him. No…

To follow our story from the beginning…

• A RELAXING TIME: PART 1
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 2
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 3
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 4
• A RELAXING TIME: PART 5

(more…)