KAREN: What up?
RYGOS: ‘What up?’ Are you serious? Why can’t you say hello like a normal person?
KAREN: Why can’t you stop being the subject of countless Internet memes?
RYGOS: Can you talk for a second?
KAREN: Well, now that you ask, I’m in the middle of a review for the new NARS Night Series Eyeliners –
RYGOS: Cool. Hey, so –
KAREN: You just interrupted me.
RYGOS: Did I?
KAREN: It’s OK…
RYGOS: So do you like them?
RYGOS: The liners.
KAREN: I do. They’re these new glittery ones based on the NARS Night Series eyeshadows. They’re smooth and pigmented and last a long time, even on bare lids without primer. Only thing is, I can’t use them on my water lines.
RYGOS: Why’s that?
KAREN: The glitter. My eyes are really sensitive, and any time I get glitter up on my water lines, they freak out. And as a general rule, you usually don’t want glitter anywhere it could scratch your eyes.
Wait a second — I know you didn’t call to talk about eyeliner and glitter, so what’s up?
RYGOS: I have some news…
KAREN: Oh, yeah? Is this legit news or the start of some BS joke on my behalf?
RYGOS: I don’t do that.
KAREN: Oh, yes you do! Remember that one about the new line of luxury cat accessories you were working on with Chanel, and you were sending me and Tabs diamond-studded necklaces and collars to wear?
KAREN: Yeah, I harassed the FedEx guy for weeks. Weeks!
RYGOS: Hahaha! Sucker.
KAREN: I learned my lesson.
RYGOS: But I really do have news.
KAREN: OK, what’s this news? The suspense is killing me.
RYGOS: Well…it’s about me and Eva. We’re having a baby.