Ready, set, splash! The new $28 LORAC Ready, Set, Splash liner set.

To El Hub when he insists that there’s an upper limit on the number of liners I could possibly need on a trip, I say, “Pish-tosh!”

“We’re only gonna be two days!” he says. “Why would you need 10 liners?”

My response: to pack 20 eyeliners! And then to painstakingly describe every single one in great detail, and how my happiness — no, my very survival! — depends on having all of them with me.

Hey, you just never know when you’ll get the urge to do a two-color double-winged flick? YOU NEVER KNOW!

This is why I find LORAC’s new $28 Ready, Set, Splash kit appealing…

That, and the quick-drying, waterproof formula.

The set’s four twist-up pencils come in colors that work well with most of my favorite summer eye looks.

Ultra Black, Navy, Charcoal and Jade will take you from poolside to dinner party in the blink of a cat eye, and when I want a smudgy vibe, I can just flip one over, and use the sponge tip on the back side.

From the left: Ultra Black, Charcoal, Jade and Navy

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Wearing the new Dolce & Gabbana Smoky Smooth Eye Colour Quad

I love the new neutral Dolce & Gabbana Smoky Smooth Eye Colour Quad ($59) like…like Mariah loves wind machines. Like Iron Man loves tinkering. Like Portlandia loves bird motifs (“Put a bird on it!”). Like Ben Affleck loves beards. Like drag queens love contouring…

For me, good neutral quads are like tropical vacations. They just make everything better.

When I’m stumped for what to wear with crazy colors like that hot pink glitter over there (ooh!) or that matte red blush over there (ah!), I’ll go with one, two — or when I’m feeling more adventurous — three or four neutrals on my eyes.

Why?

Because they go with everything!

But…

…not all neutral quads get it right.

Sometimes, there are problems with the powders, and the shadows end up on my cheeks. Other times, they’re way too pigmented, or not pigmented enough, or they pull a David Copperfield and disappear right before my eyes, or they’re just annoyingly chalky.

But the matte black, pearly neutral gold, shimmery chocolate brown and shimmery golden beige in Dolce & Gabbana’s Smoky Quad do WERK!

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The new Dolce & Gabbana Graphite Intense Khol Eye Crayon, $30

“A storm’s brewin’…”

I always wanted to say that. Storms are brewing within Dolce & Gabbana’s new $30 Graphite pencil — a rain cloud of a blackened gray liner for lash and water lines, and my new gunmetal gray liner love.

There’s something almost meteorological about this deep, dark gunmetal… Micro flecks of shimmer dance along its surface like little lightning sparks.

It’s quite the Gothic scene, too, like a sweet lace dress with black leather cuffs and spikes — the perfect marriage of delicate and dangerous. Classic with an edge. Kittens with claws.

Graphite on my water lines

Loving the four fabulous new Powerchrome Eye Pencils ($21 each) from the Temperature Rising collection

9 Things a Fashion-Forward, Makeup-Loving and Somewhat Judgemental Feline Is Thinking When You Wear the New MAC Powerchrome Eye Pencils

1. Will you PLEASE stop gushing about how these creamy, flexible shadow pencils don’t need a primer, and start gushing about how awesome I am instead??



2. Are you getting so lazy that you don’t even bother to use eye brushes anymore? I mean, I totally appreciate that you’re doing quick eye looks with these (frees up your time to do more of my bidding), but I really hope that this rampant laziness of yours doesn’t spill over into your pet assisting duties.
3. Maybe you should take those fingers you’ve been using for blending and utilize them to scratch behind my ears a little more…
4. I see that your lids are looking shimmery and sparkly. Kudos for that, but it’s distracting people who would otherwise be admiring my shiny coat.
5. Okay, okay, so I don’t totally hate your makeup. That shimmery brown and black smokey eye you’re wearing does look moderately fierce… Nowhere near as fierce as my naturally smokey eyes, of course, but fierce nevertheless.
6. It only took you five minutes to do that eye look. That’s fast, but NOT FAST ENOUGH! Now go to the kitchen immediately and fix me some gravy.
7. I give you permission to wear these gold, copper, charcoal and bronzed brown pencils all summer long…since all of them go well with my fur.
8. Good thing these pencils stand up to warm weather and perspiration, because when we’re on my private South Pacific island, I’ll need you to look good at all times, in the event that the paparazzi find us.
9. Ugh! Yes, you may take your vacation in June, pending completion of the necessary paperwork, obviously. And just so you know, even though it’s a terrible inconvenience on my part, I’m still happy to help you with your travel makeup list. In fact, I suggest starting now by packing the MAC Powerchromes. You’re welcome.

From the left: Copper Strip, Life’s Luxury, Polished Jet and Rich Glance

Urban Decay 24/7 Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner in Smog, $19

Sometime in the not-so-distant future…

“Remember smog?”

“Smog! Of course I remember smog. It was one of my favorite things about the early twenty-first century.”

“Mine too!”

Years from now as you and I share a cheesecake in the middle of the night at our Miami home with the other Golden Girls — dibs on being the Sophia of the group! She’s short, cranky and carries her purse around everywhere, so I feel like I’d be a good fit — we’ll look back on this time as the era of Smog.

No, not the kind that hovers over the San Fernando Valley… I’m referring to Urban Decay’s $19 shimmery masterpiece of golden khaki bronze, the 24/7 Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner in Smog.

“Gosh, we wore it with everything!” we’ll say. “We didn’t even touch black liners there for a while.”

It looked so good with summery golds, khakis, bronzes and browns. Even corals, purples and teals.

“Dang,” we’ll say, “that was one flexible liquid liner…”

You’ll roll your eyes as I retell the story (FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME) of how I was wearing waterproof Smog along my lash lines when I bumped into Ryan Gosling that time in Hawaii.

It was early in the morning just after dawn, hardly anyone else in the water, and I was sitting back on my surfboard waiting for the next wave. Smog’s shimmery, shiny finish caught the sunlight, which caught Ryan’s eye and prompted him to paddle over and say, “Hey girl.”

“We surfed, laughed and shared a shave ice that day,” I’ll say, “and Smog lasted from 10-12 hours.”

At some point you’ll remind me of my penchant for telling tall tales, and I’ll tap my plate with my fork, contemplating another slice of cheesecake.

What else can I say about Smog, babe? I just love it.

It’s waterproof and long-lasting enough to spend the day surfing and complements just about every eye color I’ve ever seen.

I love the way its golden khaki bronze color works with the kinds of colors I like to wear in summer.

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