The Essie Resort 2013 Collection

You know, I was just thinkin’…

Things could be a whole lot worse right now. I’ve got a roof over my head, a tabby in my life, gloss in my purse, and if I had to — in the event that Z-Day or an alien invasion occurs — I could probably hobble at least 10 miles to safety.

Truth be told, I can’t complain.

That’s not to say that I want a vacation. I do. I’d love one.

Heck, I’d love to spend a week hanging out by the pool at a five-star resort. Maaaan, that sounds good!

I’d want to bring Tabs and El Hub along, of course. And definitely the four Essie Resort 2013 polishes, too.

From the left: First Timer, Under Where, Come Here and In The Cab-ana

I can see it now… Me, you, two of those inflatable mattresses in an infinity pool, and the Resort collection’s four creamy polishes on our tips and toes.

I think that’s exactly what Essie had in mind when they gave Mint green First Timer, aqua In the Cab-ana, purple orchid Under Where and reddish coral Come Here an intense, mirror-like shine.

Summer, summer, summertime!

Two layers of First Timer

Two layers of In The Cab-ana

Two layers of Come Here

The six-piece Essie Winter 2012 collection ($8 each)

Over here!

Look over here! This way!! Look at me!!!

Essie’s six-piece Winter 2012 collection hands nails a highly pigmented loudspeaker with a funky mix of bold blues, royal reds and sparkling glitters.

THERE’S NOTHING QUIET ABOUT THIS LAUNCH! The bright, intensely pigmented colors are anything but shy.

Even though I feel like we’ve seen many of these colors before, I like the way they all look together as a collection here.

Where’s My Chauffeur (the bright turquoise) and Beyond Crazy (the shimmery golden glitter) are the standouts for me. I’m definitely gonna play matchmaker and introduce the two of them on my nails this week…

One coat of Snap Happy

Two coats of Where’s My Chauffeur

Three coats of Leading Lady

Life lesson No. 389, or “When not to wear a teeny bikini”

Dear Self,

Please note that wearing a teeny bikini is perfectly fine when you’re posting up in a beach chair or chilling on a towel on the sand, and for such occasions, Tabs also offers the following advice: 1) suck in your tum when the paparazzi stop by, and 2) always apply sunscreen liberally to your bum.

WERK!

Also, it should be noted that teeny bikinis aren’t great apparel choices if you plan to go surfing.

Should your tiny triangle top get knocked off as you try to catch that six-foot wave you/I foolishly thought you could handle (FYI: you are so NOT ready for that jelly), hilarity will almost definitely ensue.

It takes great skill to keep a long board from floating away while simultaneously searching for a missing bikini top in the surf, without flashing everyone on the beach.

You may consider yourself a fairly coordinated person, but few among us are coordinated enough for this.

Perhaps this summer, if/when you get the urge to go surfing in a teeny bikini, reach for Essie’s Bikini So Teeny Summer 2012 nail polishes instead ($8 each; available now at select salons and beauty supply stores).

That way, while you’re bobbing on your board in your sporty two-piece, waiting for the next set of waves to come in, you’ll be able to admire sky blue Bikini So Teeny, shimmery carnation pink Cascade Cool, molten bronze All Tied Up, creamy hot pink Off the Shoulder, creamy orange Fear or Desire, or creamy Mojito Madness on your fingers and toes, basking in the knowledge that no one will accidentally see your boobies today.

Two coats of these juicy, sumptuous colors should do ya just fine…

Off the Shoulder
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The Essie Summer 2012 Bikini So Teeny collection, $8 each. Available now at select salons and beauty stores.

The Essie Resort 2012 collection, available now at beauty supply stores and salons.