The following is an un-redacted transcript of a conversation that occurred among the six $24 limited edition Bite Beauty Matte Creme Lip Crayons at the Novato, California, Sephora store at precisely 9:55 a.m. on Wednesday, April 2, 2014.
KUMQUAT: Wake up, you guys! Show time in five minutes. Chop-chop!
GRAPE: Awwww, come on, man! Just 10 more minutes, please? I’m so sleepy…
KUMQUAT: No way, Grape. Everyone, UP! UP! UP! We need to look perky when the store opens. Remove your caps, back straight, and get in position. Stand proud like the pigmented lipsticks you are!
CLEMENTINE: Geez Louise, Kumquat! — chill! I don’t see why we have to hurry. I mean, who visits a Sephora at 10 o’clock sharp on a Wednesday?
We have time. Let’s have a nice breakfast together as a family for once. I could make those pigment pancakes you like?
KUMQUAT: Absolutely not. I shouldn’t have to say this, again, but we stand at the front of the store.
The front of the store! Do you have any idea what that means?! We have to look our best every day. It’s…
Wait — shhh! Don’t make a sound. Someone just walked through the door…
IT’S A CUSTOMER!
SATSUMA: Oh, it’s that same girl from the other day again, the one who’s always covered in cat hair.
Why is she always here?! And doesn’t she have one of those pet hair roller things? I mean, come on! This is Sephora, for crying out loud. Sacred ground. People be rollin’ up here in skinny jeans lookin’ like they just fell out of bed two minutes ago.
SWEETY: Be nice, Satsuma. I see her all the time. She’s actually pretty cool. She takes pics and swatches for her friends. I think she’s on YouTube…
BLOOD ORANGE: Oh, really? Pictures, you say? Well, point her my way because I love having my picture taken.
Yoo-hoo! HEY, LADY! OVER HEEERE!
KUMQUAT: Just stop it already! She’s coming over. Remember, the customers can’t know that we talk amongst ourselves. We’re supposed to be inanimate. Stand straight, shut up and sit still. It’s time to go to work!