5 Beauty Tips from … Van Halen

Published in: Beauty Tips, Just For Fun

Everything I ever needed to know about beauty I learned from Van Halen.

Okay, maybe not everything, but closer analysis of the picture below reveals several key tenants of looking good, no matter your age.

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van-halen

1. Avoid crunchy hair. Keep it soft and natural looking.

Whatever decade you’re in, crunchy hair is never cute. In this pic, the boys of Van Halen manage to keep their manes looking big, yet touchable; each band member has hair you could easily run your fingers through. Soft, moveable hair always looks great, whether you’re cruising Sephora or banging your head on stage.

2. If you’re going to go trendy, stick to one trend at a time.

Notice how the only band member who doesn’t look completely insane is Michael Anthony, the bass player sporting a white t-shirt and jeans. I like trends as much as the next girl, but too many at one time is usually a bad idea.

I could probably forgive Eddie Van Halen for wearing overalls without a shirt, but the fact that the overalls are in a red camo print makes this completely unacceptable. Too many trends at one time, Eddie!

And would someone please explain why leggings keep coming back in style? If you’re going to wear leggings, choose a basic color, please!

David Lee Roth’s tight red leggings cause my eyes to beg for mercy. Had he chosen basic black, at least he would’ve looked classic, like pictures of Mikhail Baryshinikov during his prime ballet dancing years.

3. Shoes can make or break the outfit.

Although David Lee Roth is rocking those unforgivable red superhero tights, he does get a few points for the gold and red sequined boots.

Creative footwear almost always trumps boring, lunch lady comfort shoes in the fashion department. If I have to stare at you for any length of time, please don’t make me look at some boring, ugly shoes that send me directly into REM sleep.

4. Stretch.

Check out David Lee Roth’s high kick. Wowee, wow, wow! Homeboy could’ve been a rockette! Yes, doing cardio and lifting weights is important to staying fit, but one cannot neglect the importance of stretching.

If left to my own devices I’d never stretch — I’m not flexible at all — so I have to force myself to sneak in some stretching while watching reality TV, which seems to make it less of a chore.

5. Go for clothes that skim but don’t hug your curves.

I know I’m picking on poor Diamond Dave for those awful red pants, but, seriously, they didn’t have to be two sizes too small. If you’ve got a tight body by all means work it. But leaving a little room for the imagination never hurts.

V/H on the D/L

I can’t lie… for many years I kept my love for Van Halen on the down low. Growing up, my friends and I mostly listened to hip hop.

I remember my best friend getting the RUN D.M.C.’s Raising Hell tape and listening to the song It’s Tricky for three straight days until we memorized the lyrics. Yes, girl, I said TAPE, which meant hitting the rewind button and waiting a good 30 seconds before the song played again!

There was no world outside the realm of rap or R&B, so when I “discovered” the extensive genre of mid-80′s butt rock (Van Halen, Bon Jovi, etc.) I felt that I had to keep it secret or face being labeled a hip hop pariah.

Of course, looking back on this after 20 years, it’s all so funny to me now, but I still remember the pressure I felt to fit in.

To all the young ladies reading this blog, if you’re feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, know that you aren’t alone. Keep your chin up, sweetie, because it does get better. Finding your way just takes some time. :)

Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,

Karen

25 Comments

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  1. Janice says:

    Ian (my husband) bought us tix to see Van Halen in San Antonio! Can’t wait! :D

  2. Julie says:

    HA! OMG hysterical. You are soooooooo funny. I bow!

  3. nilla cookie says:

    Damn, those Google contextual ads really do work! I see a “Get Van Halen” tickets banner right above this comment box!

    You’re too funny Karen! When I was younger, I listened to Bon Jovi, Poison, Guns and Roses, anyone who had long, blonde hair on MTV. Mix that in with Whitney Houston, Paula Abdul, and Debbie Gibson and you’ve got a girl that no one understood! LOL AND, I used to record the videos on my VCR so that I could play them over and over again.

    You’ve got a great message goin’ on for all of us out there – just be yourself! And there will certainly be another square peg for you to call a friend :D

    Happy Friday and have a great weekend! I’m off to Sonoma tomorrow! YAY!

  4. Glosslizard says:

    I always liked Van Halen… but I never quite adjusted to Sammy Hagar! I was lucky, growing up near Berkeley, there was a group to hang out with for anything I wanted to listen to! My boyfriend (now husband) was into punk and garage bands while I had a serious thing for Eurythmics (I still loves me some Annie Lennox!!) and Thompson Twins (Hold Me Now!)! Thanks for making us all feel the love in spite of our musical leanings — not to mention the Diamond Dave flashback! :D

  5. Lipglossme says:

    This post made me chuckle because I can so relate. I remember during the 80′s I’d put a tape into my radio and try to hit “record” just at the right time so that I wouldn’t record the DJ announcing the title of the next song. Of course, it never worked. All my recordings had some recording of the DJ’s voice on it. I’m not going to list out any of the singers that I recorded for fear I might be blocked from ever reading your blog for listening to such atrocities…(Debbie Gibson, Celine Dion, Milli Vanilli, The Jets)….

    Please, oh please, let this post go through…

  6. Tootsie says:

    See, now I had the opposite problem in school. I hung around with all the “long hair rocks” types and we listened to everything from Mega Death to Poison. But I also LOVED hip/hop and dance music. I didn’t hide it from them though. They loved me anyway. LOL! My oldest son’s favorite band right now is Van Halen. Does a mom proud.

    Have a good weekend!

  7. Tootsie says:

    And I think DLR’s pants are red leather. I think.

  8. Karen says:

    Hi Janice,

    Your husband officially rocks! That should be a fun show … I wonder if Diamond Dave will be doing any high kicks, hmmm!

  9. Karen says:

    ‘Sup Julie,

    Thanks, girl. :) Glad I could make you laugh. Have a good weekend!

  10. Karen says:

    Hi Nilla,

    You have half of my tapes from middle school on your list. I loved Debbie Gibson back in the day (I even had her perfume, Electric Youth, OY!). Did you liked “Skid Row”? I listened to that song, “I Remember You” over and over after my first heart break, LOLOL! God I’m lame.

    Have fun in Sonoma. Can’t wait to hear about the spa!

  11. Karen says:

    Hi Glosslizard,

    Like you, I’m on TEAM DIAMOND DAVE! Although I did have a brush with TEAM HAGAR a this summer. I was driving from work down a two way main road in my town. I was stuck at a light, and just kinda staring off into space. I noticed somebody with really big hair driving the opposite way in a top down convertible, and when the person got closer I realized that it was Sammy Hagar!

  12. Karen says:

    OH GAWD, Lipglossme! The Jets!

    “You’ve got it all over him, you’ve got me over him, honey it’s true…there’s just yoooooooou!”

    LOLOLZ. I love them!

  13. Karen says:

    Tootsie, that’s rad! You and your son can rock and it out together.

    Have you seen that commercial where a bunch of people are on a rooftop and they start playing PSP or something, and in the background there’s a bunch of kids singing Poison’s “Don’t need nothing, but a good time, how can I resist?” It’s pretty funny to hear that song being sung by a bunch of youngins.

    Enjoy your weekend!

  14. Hey pretty lady,

    i posted a video of ur favorite, aishwarya rai on her favorite makeup artist…check it out!!!

    ur posts keep getting funnier!!!

  15. Glosslizard says:

    What a fun driving encounter! I’d like to see Sammy Hagar too, but I have dreams of casually bumping into him at his club Cabo Wabo rather than having anything to do with music!

    80′s music is so making a comeback! Have you seen the Visa commercial with all the folks boogie-ing down to Herbie Hancock’s Rockit? Luv it!

  16. Karen says:

    Oh, I love MAC, I can’t wait to check it out. :)

    And I’m glad I can make you laugh. I guess it’s the coffee kicking in.

  17. Karen says:

    Glosslizard, I *love* that commercial because of the music and because of the dancing. I soooo can’t do the stuff those dancers do, I look completely ridiculous.

    Today at the gym I was on the treadmill and listened to a ton of 80s:

    Eurythemics/Sweet Dreams
    Cure/Boys Don’t Cry
    J. Geils Band/Angel in the Centerfold
    Wham!/ I’m Your Man

    Yeah, I’d rather run into Sammy at the bar, too. His hair was HUGE, btw.
    I love the 80s revival but am not feeling the return of tight pants.

  18. Glosslizard says:

    I think it takes a lot of talent and a lot of self-confidence to be able to pull off moves like that without looking ridiculous! Lord knows I couldn’t do it… even if I did have dance lessons! Even if I had dance lessons with Taye Diggs!! :)

    Oh! Sweet Dreams! Why don’t more bands do electric violin solos?

    Yeah, I hear you on the pants thing! Surely we can find a happy medium between mega-flare and skin tight?

  19. Colin says:

    Hilarious, thanks for sharing this! Not everyone is a Van Halen fan mind. I remember my father saying when they visited England: “Will someone give those simpering nancy boys a tin of hair spray each to clear off!”

  20. Glosslizard says:

    Colin! LOL! Thank you for sharing that!

  21. Tania says:

    OMG I love Van Halen (I’m team Diamond Dave) and Guns and Roses! I listened to them when I was like 6 or something. My family didn’t let me have any of their tapes or anything just Michael Jackson and stuff like that. Isn’t that ironic?

  22. Karen says:

    I hear ya, Glosslizard. I have one pair of “skinny jeans” but believe me…they are VERY STRETCHY.

    I miss saxophone solos. Why did they disappear after 1989?

  23. Karen says:

    LOL, Colin. I love it when *anybody* uses “nancy boys” in print.

  24. Karen says:

    Ha ha ha, Tania. I saw MJ on a recent cover of some magazine and he looked mother-of-the-bride SCARY.

    I liked Guns & Roses too. Sweet Child o’ Mine is a GREAT SONG!

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