Everything I ever needed to know about beauty I learned from Van Halen.
Okay, maybe not everything, but closer analysis of the picture below reveals several key tenants of looking good, no matter your age.
Might as well jump!
1. Avoid crunchy hair. Keep it soft and natural looking.
Whatever decade you’re in, crunchy hair is never cute. In this pic, the boys of Van Halen manage to keep their manes looking big, yet touchable; each band member has hair you could easily run your fingers through. Soft, moveable hair always looks great, whether you’re cruising Sephora or banging your head on stage.
2. If you’re going to go trendy, stick to one trend at a time.
Notice how the only band member who doesn’t look completely insane is Michael Anthony, the bass player sporting a white t-shirt and jeans. I like trends as much as the next girl, but too many at one time is usually a bad idea.
I could probably forgive Eddie Van Halen for wearing overalls without a shirt, but the fact that the overalls are in a red camo print makes this completely unacceptable. Too many trends at one time, Eddie!
And would someone please explain why leggings keep coming back in style? If you’re going to wear leggings, choose a basic color, please!
David Lee Roth’s tight red leggings cause my eyes to beg for mercy. Had he chosen basic black, at least he would’ve looked classic, like pictures of Mikhail Baryshinikov during his prime ballet dancing years.
3. Shoes can make or break the outfit.
Although David Lee Roth is rocking those unforgivable red superhero tights, he does get a few points for the gold and red sequined boots.
Creative footwear almost always trumps boring, lunch lady comfort shoes in the fashion department. If I have to stare at you for any length of time, please don’t make me look at some boring, ugly shoes that send me directly into REM sleep.
Check out David Lee Roth’s high kick. Wowee, wow, wow! Homeboy could’ve been a rockette! Yes, doing cardio and lifting weights is important to staying fit, but one cannot neglect the importance of stretching.
If left to my own devices I’d never stretch — I’m not flexible at all — so I have to force myself to sneak in some stretching while watching reality TV, which seems to make it less of a chore.
5. Go for clothes that skim but don’t hug your curves.
I know I’m picking on poor Diamond Dave for those awful red pants, but, seriously, they didn’t have to be two sizes too small. If you’ve got a tight body by all means work it. But leaving a little room for the imagination never hurts.
V/H on the D/L
I can’t lie… for many years I kept my love for Van Halen on the down low. Growing up, my friends and I mostly listened to hip hop.
I remember my best friend getting the RUN D.M.C.’s Raising Hell tape and listening to the song It’s Tricky for three straight days until we memorized the lyrics. Yes, girl, I said TAPE, which meant hitting the rewind button and waiting a good 30 seconds before the song played again!
There was no world outside the realm of rap or R&B, so when I “discovered” the extensive genre of mid-80’s butt rock (Van Halen, Bon Jovi, etc.) I felt that I had to keep it secret or face being labeled a hip hop pariah.
Of course, looking back on this after 20 years, it’s all so funny to me now, but I still remember the pressure I felt to fit in.
To all the young ladies reading this blog, if you’re feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, know that you aren’t alone. Keep your chin up, sweetie, because it does get better. Finding your way just takes some time.
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,